Leaky relationships

Every relationship has “leaks” because they are made up of people who all, inevitably, have “leaks.”  What do I mean by “leaks”?  Simply that all people have growing spots, places where experience has left a “hole” where there is meant to be a “whole.”  It may be because of difficulties in past relationships, or simply areas where a person just hasn’t yet experienced something important for doing life and relationships well.  Nothing out of the ordinary here as humans go.  Where I find the trouble and frustrations grow in a relationship is where a person tries to deal with these “leaks” in their partner in ways that try and fill the bucket rather than first dealing with the hole.  That’s when a psychologist, such as myself, will get the distress call asking for help.

Great intent, exhausting result

Let’s say that, in a relationship, John struggles with self-worth.  Maybe a demanding father has taught John that who he is will not be enough for people to be happy with him and choose to stay, especially when he makes a mistake.  This insecurity and performance-based acceptability gets increasingly obvious to his caring partner, Sue.  Because she cares about him, she finds ways to continually affirm him as a person and for what he accomplishes as she tries to reflect back to him the person she sees rather than the person he believes others see.  It is truly a loving and caring effort on Sue’s part and can sometimes appease John’s fears for a while, but eventually, they return.  For Sue, who cares about John, this becomes a confusing and sometimes exasperating experience.  Why can’t he just see what she does and trust it’s true?!

The other common caring solution that also never works is to tiptoe around any issue that might stir up a “leaky” spot in a person.  Back to John and Sue.  Sue might jump in to rescue John from any situation that might upset him, like his teenager talking back to John.  She might even “walk on eggshells” as she limits what she says and does around him to try and prevent John from ever feeling insecure.  Life for Sue and those around John gets smaller and more limited in their efforts to keep John from ever doubting himself.  The only problem is that no one can behave in such a way that John’s “leaky” parts won’t ever be felt by him.  So what’s a person to do?

What is it that actually fills the holes in a person and leaves them whole?

Remember the kids’ silly folk sing-song, “There’s a hole in my bucket”, that goes on and on between a couple?

There’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it.

With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
With what shall I mend it, dear Liza, with what?

I’ll spare you the rest of it, but you can see that even the simple folk in this song have a very different idea than Sue in the illustrations above.  The focus in the song is fixing the hole in the bucket, not pouring more into it or avoiding pointing out the hole.  The strategy addressing the actual problem for a person makes a lot of sense if you imagine a person’s insecurities and growing areas as a leak in a bucket.  But as Henry sings in the song, “With what shall I fix it”, is the question people often have when they reach out for my help having tried other strategies that have only left them tired and unsure of what to do about the leaks in themselves or others they care about.  Constantly filling someone’s leaky bucket or helping them avoid looking at the issue just becomes tiresome.

Empathy gets the job done

So you say, “Greg, enough about buckets.  What is it that actually fills the holes in a person and leaves them whole?  In a word, I’d say “empathy.”  By that I mean taking the time to listen and actively draw out just what a person thinks and feels in a given situation, whether you see it the same way or not.  And doing your best to get into their shoes and imagine yourself in that situation so you can connect with them not just about the information they tell you, but also the feelings and meaning it has for them.  For many, this sounds like doing nothing or, even worse, agreeing with what they are saying or thinking.  Empathy sounds for many like you are allowing the people you care about to sink further into the fears or pain they are sharing.  And I’d say that’s exactly what’s needed for wholeness to grow in a person.

Now the worry for Sue, from our imaginary couple, is that John might get stuck in even deeper insecurity if she explores those fears with him, or what if he thinks she agrees with them because she can put his fears and experience into words so well and not try and rescue him from it.  I suppose that’s a theoretical possibility, but I’ll tell you I’ve yet to see that happen in over 25 years of guiding people through the healing process.

What actually happens is that the “leaky” part of a person can find the needed comfort by connecting with someone who is allowed to experience that hurt or fear together with them and stay.  And isn’t that what all of us want and need: someone who sees the messy parts with compassion and understanding, and stays?  If John, in our imaginary couple, were to do that with Sue, then two things happen.  First, the experiences that brought about his insecurity lose their emotional weight and credibility, even if the historical facts don’t change.  Fears and hurts hang around indefinitely until they get a safe and comforting relational experience to be heard.  Second, it’s going to be difficult for John to say he is acceptable only because of his performance when faced with and experiencing Sue being with him in his broken parts and staying.  Kind of like in the movie, “The Truman Show”, where Truman accidentally finds the back of the huge reality show movie set he was born and raised in, and walks out the back door into the real world.  He couldn’t look back on what was his “normal” in the same way anymore because of what he had now experienced.

To be clear, empathy/comfort does not mean giving a person a set of affirming alternative viewpoints to counter theirs.  It’s being present and attuned with the other person with the hurts and fears they are sharing.  In keeping with a movie theme, if you want to know what healing empathy looks like in action then take a look at the 3-minute interaction between the character “Sad” and “Mr. Bingbong” in the animated movie, “Inside Out”.

Instead of avoiding or distracting from the pain, as the character “Joy” tries to do, “Sad” leans into the experience in a transformative way.  If you watch that scene and think, “How do I do that?!  That’s something I’ve never had, so how do I do that for someone else I care about?”  Then maybe connecting with a therapist might be a place to gain the experience and know-how for fixing relationship “leaks” once and for all, allowing your relationships to “hold water.” 

Points to ponder and share

• When do you find yourself walking on eggshells with people you love?
• Is there someone in particular you’re trying to “affirm” into a change rather than empathize with?
• Do you find yourself approaching the hurts and fears in others the way you experienced in your home?
• Can you think of a person in your life who’s been able to empathize with you the way “Sad” does in the movie clip?
• Do you want to learn more about giving and receiving transformative empathy?