While it’s easier to blame a divorce on the other partner, the reality is that both have usually contributed to it’s ending. It’s often a hard thing for someone in divorce counseling to hear because they usually feel so wronged and disappointed by their partner. However, people usually pick partners who are about as equipped and comfortable with closeness as they are. The symptoms and circumstance that bring a marriage to an end may be different, but underneath it, all is usually a difficulty with knowing how to do emotionally connected relationships with healthy boundaries.

Couples who divorce tend to fall into one of two categories. Either they have been doing parallel lives where there is not enough emotional or relational need expressed and met in the marriage, or they are so dependent on one another it’s hard to tell where one person ends and the other begins. When the connection in a relationship fades or is unable to grow, all kinds of problem behavior begin.

While it may be too late to reconcile the marriage, divorce counseling can help prepare you for a successful future relationship. The key to this is developing something I call “interdependence.” This is when partners are secure enough to each have their own life, responsibilities and identity apart from each other, yet depend on each other for parts of their relational and emotional needs.